If you build it, they will come – Field of Dreams

Folks this a longer post than usual, get comfy!

Ah today is the last day of this Middle Eastern adventure, I’m almost packed, good grief that took longer than expected last night and the apartment is all ship shape.  I’ve checked every cupboard, wardrobe, drawer nook and cranny. I’ve gathered all my change to give my cabbie in the morning after being dropped off at the airport and the fridge is looking rather desperate, there are but a few mung beans, a little parmesan, two eggs and enough milk for a little breakfast omelet and tea.

My Emirate families, a rather lovely bunch of people, have provided support, kindness, humour, adventure and love. Each individual grape on a vine that twists and turns around my life tree; I’ve found beautiful friendships some will last long into the late autumns of my live others will pass into the desert by the finish of the local winter. Showing the world I am committed to caring and nurturing myself is now second if not first nature, my yoga practice is strong, everyday without fail I come to my mat and do something, I’ve pressed my feet across pavements, beaches, grassy patches, my bottom has rested on many a sun lounger, sandy sunning spot and cab, my heart has raised skyward as I’ve plunged deep into the oceans embrace, my breath has deepened enjoying the heat and at times dust, storms and rains of another home.

I’ve developed a writing habit, pressed finger tip to keyboard 65 days in a row creating approximately 78,000 words, which means when I bid Bon Voyage to Paris I’ll have written for 100 days straight, potentially 120,000 in total; my friends this is the average number of a debut authors first novel. I’ve only worked this out, in fact I repeatedly did the sums, it is literally twisting my brain to know I’ve almost achieved one of my goals, writing a book, an actual book I’m going to craft post Paris and begin the joy of submitting to publishers and I welcome every response and the emotion that comes with it. Most of all I welcome the book deal and easily visualize myself jumping up and down when that letter and call come in.

Hay House Publishers is my dream and I’ll work to making it a reality. I always thought I’d write fiction first, believe me there are a gazillion stories circling this imaginative carousel, it would seem after years of trying to ignore my inner thoughts, guidance and messages from the source (define source as makes you comfortable) my calling is here; I will be travelling the route of life coach, motivator, truth speaker, self help, spiritual/personal growth author and ther we have it, I’ve said out loud. I still don’t know what the first book will be exactly, my intention is for it to be the beginning of a series of books sitting comfortably beside Gabrielle Bernstein, Danielle LaPorte, Elizabeth Gilbert and Marianne Williamson, not to mention Louise Hay, Doreen Virtue, Tony Robbins and so many more inspiring writers.

When I first arrived here there is no-way I would have written the above intention down, I was scared, I felt fear, I felt I might be judged, and I still may be, some of you may think ‘ah bless her and her potty ideas’. Do you know what, that’s ok, because maybe you think that and still love my writing or maybe your not my target reader, I’m saying this from a place of love, I don’t love every author. In fact I’ve barely read a word of fiction since I arrived and anything I’ve tried to read has left me exasperated and disappointed. Mainly, as many of you know because I always pick up bubble gum pop type love triangle stories to numb my active brain. Where as now I don’t want to numb, I want to feel. I stand by my beloved Jackie Collins, she is an epic adventure writer of the most fabulous and I love her. Having grown up with Lucky Santangelo I shall continue to grow with her and we’ll say no more about it, everyone has his or her sweet tooth treat, Jackie is mine.

I have felt a shift (my word of the week according to a colleague) empowering me to just try and write what I was really feeling. You’ll have noticed the original bletherings were review based, then emotion crept in, nobody wrote any negative comments so I felt able to test the water a little more and a little more until yesterday when I blasted out my feelings and felt the tone of the book being born; positive, with truth tools to support our ongoing journey and growth in this the most eclectic demanding times of our entire species.  

I’ll be honest I generally have no idea what I’m going to write about when I sit down, (yes we knew that some of you may nod with your morning beverage), in the last few weeks it just sort of comes out. I could sit for hours and let it flow, but I’ve written for about an hour a day, trying to sharpen the flow, be brave, courageous and let the narrative/content/ideas come naturally. In the beginning writing for an hour felt a massive obstacle to overcome, how could I possibly do that? Where would I find the time? What would I say? Who would read it? Ducky Tales has now been read by over 200,000 people, again it blows my mind in such a short space of time, my emails are filled with wonderful supportive comments from readers and I am truly blessed. You my beloved first readers and supporters have given me the gift of love to be able to share my thoughts further and my words will always be dedicated to you. 

I love producing, I love my work, to be fair it doesn’t feel like work and I’d like to do more non work work if you will. The thing I particularly love about producing is producing change, this is ultimately at the core of all my work. I’m responding creatively to things, changing environments, sourcing solutions, convincing others with clarity of their next steps and reading people all day every day. I know people, I understand the subtext of many situations, I see people for who they truly are, always have done and for a long time I tried to deny this and now I can’t. I believe I’m here to help change things for myself and for others. I’ve distracted myself with emotional addictions over the years, somewhere in my twenties I lost my way, stopped doing what I loved, ate too much, slept too much, put up with rubbish work situations and promised myself it was all ok, rubbish. Then I got bumped back on the path, well actually that’s true in part, but what I also did was surrender, this is going to sound weird to some of you and that’s ok. Six years ago after a really crap skiing accident which led to me having the tie to reflect on what I was doing I got down on my knee’s and prayed, in fact surrendered everything in my life. I asked for love, for truth for a relationship that would hold my heart dear as I would theirs, I asked for guidance for support and a shopping list of things I felt I didn’t have, but knew I needed to live, not survive. I still remember it, I wept, I released and I didn’t think about the prayer again, I let it all go.  Months later I was a train on the way home from my 30th birthday, things were shifting, I could chinks in the armour I’d surrounded myself with, I could walk again the skiing accident, in heels no less and my heart was filled with love as I had my beautiful girlfriends with me and we were celebrating my 30th birthday. That night, everything shifted, on  a long train travelling out to a small town I met Mr S, from the moment our eyes met we both knew that nothing would be the same again, my prayers had been answered and so began the change. Here we are five years on and in that time so much has happened.

In the last eighteen months in particular I’ve been on a roller coaster self growth ride and there have been many ups and downs. I’ve cried more as I stopped trying to be strong for no reason, slept more because I needed to heal, at times had a little too much of the vino, sugar and other tempting items available to numb the heart of you. I’ve vegetated in front of the TV, stayed indoors in the sun and stomped about in the rain. Being here, writing and yogaing is testament to me birthing my authentic self once more, I feel like a child again, because I feel me. My body has changed, I’m fitter, I would say on the way to being dancer fit again. If I don’t treat myself with care and by this I mean getting stressed as I wrote about yesterday I don’t sleep well and I wake up feeling hung over as my body is telling me it had to work ruddy hard during the night to sort out the nerve damage and rest is needed. Equally I’ve thrived on shorter sleep spans than ever, weeks of 4, 5 or 6 hours have left me equally charged as a previous 8, 9 or 10 hours might have. I’m surprised I’m not nicknamed lemons as I’ve enjoyed so many of them squeezed across food and in water. I’m lighter, brighter and happy.

If you’ve got to this paragraph, well done, it’s a long post this morning, I’ve enjoyed being truthful, actually that’s a lie I’m sweating and my stomach is churning, but I’m publishing this bloody post as I have to walk the walk and talk the talk or else stagnancy sets in.

I have one more favour, every now and then some of you pop a little comment underneath my morning updates and now what I need is a little more. I would love and appreciate it if you let me know what you think, how the writing makes you feel, what do you like, not like (I’m big and strong enough to take it, honest I am), if these writings were a book what would it look like, do you have an idea for title, a cover, anything at all. I’m happy for you to message, email or write in the comments box. You’ll already have opinions, just in the seconds it’s taken you to read these questions, so be brave with me and share your thoughts. I realize grammer, spelling, punctuation etc need work, I really do. My plan is to develop everything into a manuscript, have some lovely people read and edit it as the first phase and then out it goes further into the universe filled with love and hope and to meet the publishing house it’s meant to and to find the readers who will hold it dear, recommend it and through sales I’ll take a call with a US dialing code from Oprah’s team to come on her show and chat about it. Well why not? (Obviously I will not use the word AND as much – what is that sentence all about?!) If you have a supportive thought process/opinion about this or any other sentence then come on over and let me know. Today is the day people, your friend Gail Schock is calling it what it is, I am a writer. Bring bring…hello ‘Oh Oprah I’m totally free, when shall we meet?’ 

If you build it they will come – Field of Dreams – what’s in yours? 


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